Malachi in the Emergency Room
Go out and work to earn for your church
Salvation’s free, but it sure don’t come cheap
Pay what WE say your soul is worth
Pay ME your tribute to Malachi three.
Bring in your tithe and pay it on time
Give us your best and pledge the rest
You say your bills have gotten sky-high
It’s time to put Malachi to the test.
In Malachi one verse eight it states
You’ve paid an offering that’s sick and lame.
Hear the Lord holler about your sick dollars
Those blind bucks you burn
On the altar in church.
How can a dollar bill be ill
And need a cat scan or a thyroid pill?
Andy Jackson’s lying in traction
Hamilton’s head is sick and lame
Held in place with masking tape.
Blind Ben Franklin needs a laser op
George Washington needs an IV drip
Give Andy Jackson a tetanus shot
Ben Franklin’s got a broken hip
Call in the physiotherapist
Your lame legal tender needs TLC
Your offering is as sick as can be.
In Malachi one verse seven there’s trouble
Polluted offerings on the altar were laid
An offering got dropped in a messy mud puddle
As Jill walked to church up a rainswept hill
And got knocked down by a passing car’s spray
Ben Franklin swam in dirty swill
As swirling rain poured in Jill’s purse
How on earth could things get worse?
Her Ben Franklin can’t go to church polluted
Jill tries to swap him for a brighter bill
But Mega Mart outright refuses
Ben is a grungy soggy mess
How could such a gift get blessed?
But on the altar a brown Ben must burn
Fueling a church which churns out more hurt.
In Malachi Chapter three verse five
God’s giving the hireling a real good scolding
The hireling’s denying himself his right
To be fed from the Temple storehouse building.
Two verses later God lays into him
Hireling, look how bad you’ve sinned!
That penny you’ve earned ought to be burned
As an offering and a sacrifice
Or eaten by preachers as your weekly tithe.
Every year tithes were gathered ONE time
But now the Lord has changed His mind
Every week is so much better
Out with the old, let’s be a trend-setter
Everyone KNOWS God needs bread in His House
Bread means money and nothing else!
Hirelings hear the great glad news
Pay up right now or you’ll roast in hell
It’s time to pay your weekly dues
Don’t keep Ben Franklin all to yourself.
The preacher has a love affair
With all those dirty dollars out there
You’ll bring ‘em in so long as you’re scared
There must be an extra job out there.
Even if your gas tanks’s empty
Even if your car’s been repossessed
Even if your kids have zilch to eat
Tithe on YOUR bread, put God to the test
Don’t read Malachi too literally
The preacher reads it and saves you the bother
God used to take cattle and fruit of the tree
But now the good Lord is much more modern.
God would rather have gold than grapes
Not vineyards but an ATM hole in the wall
So let Ben Franklin pay God for grace
Feed U.S. Grant to the jaws of the Law.
Pay your tithe or your soul will DIE!
If you stay here you’ll learn some fear
‘Cause I’ve got a hotline to the lord in the sky
The curse will get worse if you don’t help our church.
The coming of the Lord is near
So give all you can to bless God’s man
I’ll teach you all the laws of finance.
Don’t worry about your bills no more
Secular creditors can’t take it to hell
No curse is worse than being poor
Tithing is God’s key to wealth.
Brother Sam quit tithing to this church
He lied about God’s holy tithe
He said things got worse because of a curse
Not the curse of Malachi
But the curse for coming under Law again
In Galatians chapter three verse ten.
Allegedly things got better for him
After Sam repented of paying his tithe
Sam was able to pay his rent
And even buy a brand new bike.
Sam says he’s got good food
And even brand new shoes
His water’s back on
He’s got a new job
His worries are gone
But Sam still owes our church a lot.
WE taught Sam the way to serve God
Sacrifices and self-denial
Sam failed to be faithful in all his trials
Just think of all the things Sam bought
When he withheld his ten per cent
Sam’s a selfish sinful young man
Sam bought burgers instead of beans
Sam bought toothpaste, oh what a waste!
Sam bought new jeans and a tube of sun screen
Sam even bought a TV Guide
I can’t believe it, I’m scandalized!
Sam kept Ben Franklin and U.S. Grant
He needs to yield them to Jesus again
To the man in the pulpit He represents.
This church needs a steeple to stab the sky
A new sound system to play lullabyes
We need a new car to cruise along
We’ll need a vacation before very long.
If you aren’t willing to deny yourself
You surely will miss out with God
Turn over that tithe or you’ll roast in hell
Give all you’ve got or you’ll get mighty hot
So join with me in the work of this church
And don’t forget to pray for Sam
When you’re paid at work put your church first
Don’t end up in satan’s frying pan.
Children, this message is for you too
Bring George Washington to Sunday School
Frankly, more Franklins would bless the Lord
Kids, I know you guys must get bored
With decent food and new school shoes
Tell your parents to sacrifice tithes
Hand-me-down clothes come in every size.
Don’t forget the Golden Rule
But do forget to pay your bills
Malachi means no winter fuel
Seniors don’t really need their pills
If all you’ve got is a few food stamps
YOUR food can be the tithe of the land.