See Me Wear This Ring

A bit of my new book under construction:

BEAM ME BACK TO BIBLE DAYS

 

Ben appeared to be a bit of a hippie with hair covering his ears and sweeping the collar of his expensive suit.  Balding Sam was rather jealous of Ben, whose longish hair was so expertly styled, conditioned and colored.

 

But Brother Buck had his reasons for hiding his ears. For about two hours of each miracle service Ben would prance around shouting ‘hallelujah’ and calling out names of afflicted people, garnered by “personal workers” who had casually chatted with people arriving for the four-hour-long service. Nestled in one ear was a tiny radio receiver which imparted “supernatural” insight into Sister Parker’s pains, or Brother Gus’s gout. Info from the control room would be transmitted to Ben over a low radio frequency, telling him where Sister Slater was in the building, what she was wearing, where she lived, and how she was worried about a sinus condition. Guided by the giggling voice on the transmitter, Ben would slowly make his way down an aisle and pick out that precious one who languished under a heavy load.  Ben would “say a prayer” over people, with “catchers” standing nearby to help lower each person gently to the floor as he pushed them over with a “power touch”.

 

Ben would reassure each sick person that the “healing” might take time, and meanwhile, a little leap of faith on their part sure wouldn’t hinder their heaven-sent blessing from coming. Time after time he’d hear such comments as, “Praise the Lord!  How on earth did you know who I was, Brother Ben?  You even knew where I live!  You’re the real thing, man, I can tell!”

 

But the ‘healing segment’ of his long service would always be put off until after the green sheaves were safely gathered into the big buckets. Today Ben used this pitch: “At this time I would remind you that Green Manna Ministries is reaching out to the community in its continuing war against substance abuse.  There are many desperate men out on the streets who need a helping hand.”

 

A still image of an intoxicated man curled up under a doorway was projected onto an overhead screen.  “These men need to be saved!” Ben said, with a cry in his voice.  “You can make a difference by contributing to our  “Aid for Addicts” program.  Our ushers will collect the offering now, as I perform our ministry’s theme song.  Inside the baskets you’ll find some yellow cards.  On these cards you can divulge your bank details, should you wish to make a standing donation to be deducted monthly from your bank account.  Otherwise, we welcome one-time donations by debit card, credit card, cash or check. And to those who contribute fifty dollars or more, we would like to give a special love gift, our Mighty Miracle Oil Jug. This hand-painted earthenware jug is patterned after the ones used in ancient Biblical times.  It will be a perpetual reminder that like the widow whose supply never ran dry, you were faithful to pour out your most sacrificial gift unto the Lord.  Ushers, come forward for our offertory prayer, please.

 

Seeing the crowd was in a buoyant mood, Ben began  his ministry theme song.  Triumphantly he waved his jeweled and Rolexed hands and sang “See Me Wear This Ring:

 

That devil’s been givin’ me trouble

Since I’ve been born again

But since I read my Bible

It showed me ways that I could win

God took this  sad-faced sorry son of a gun

Made me one of His chosen sons

 

See me wear this ring

I’m a child of the King

And the devil can’t get me down

No-o-o-o

And the devil can’t get me down!

 

* * * * *

 

So many folks a-moanin’ and groanin’

Only faith can set them free

To get out of a jam

Open wide your hand

You’ll attract prosperity

Oh, won’t you come share a blessing with me

Plant a money seed to meet your need

 

Plant a blessing seed

Be a child of the King

And the devil won't get you down

No-o-o-o

And the devil won't get you down!

 

* * * * *

 

If you're down to your last penny

Sow a seed and you'll receive

Go out and borrow more money

Make a vow out of your need

Just mail more mites like the widow

And your blessings will overflow

 

Make a vow of faith

And you'll make no mistake

And that devil won't keep you down

No-o-o-o

And that devil won't keep you down!

 

* * * * *

 

Ben belted out this refrain, in an operatic tone:

 

When old Sluefoot comes a-callin'

To pinch my dollars and dimes

Get your hooks off my dollars I HOLLER-R-R-R

You dirty rotten bucket of slime!

 

I’m a-buildin’ a mansion in glory

With bricks of gorgeous green

The ritziest palace  is a-waitin’ for me

That eye hath ever seen

No devil in hell can stop me

From livin’ like a king

 

See me wear this watch

I've come out on the top

'Cause no devil could keep me down

No-o-o-o

'Cause old sluefoot can't keep me down!

 

* * * * *

 

Ben danced and sang to synthesized bagpipe chords and a throbbing drumbeat:

 

You’ll feel so good if you give like you should

Cast your wampum on the waters now

Don’t you grumble just hustle

Make them dollars rustle

Toss ‘em into the bucket now

Better stop and think

Don’t you  make a clink

Only birds oughta go cheep cheep!

 

See me wear this ring

I’m a child of the King

And the devil can’t get me down

No-o-o-o

And the devil can’t get me down!

 

* * * * *

 

A swirling harp intro launched Ben on this verse:

 

I got a great big piece of blessing pie

You can see before your eyes

I got a great big castle in the skies

In a land where no one dies

I got cars and stars in my glory crown

You’ll never see this feller frown

 

See me wear this ring

I'm a child of the King

And the devil can't get me down

No-o-o-o

And the devil can't get me down!

 

* * * * *

 

A gentle o-o-o-o-ing aria from the choir, a muted twinkling of blue stage lights, a somber reflective look on Ben’s face, then he earnestly sang:

 

Faith gives me showers of power

To shout and dance and sing

If ya got a need

Just plant a seed

The buckets  are a-comin’ round

Make a joyful noise

All ye girls and boys

Get a star  in your glory crown

 

And you'll get the ring

Of a child of the King

And the devil won't get you down

No-o-o-o

And the devil won't get you down!

 

* * * * *

 

An abrupt brightening of the lights, then a  rolypoly man, dressed in a red-striped shirt and straw hat skittered onstage. He bowed to the audience, then  strummed a ukulele to Ben’s frantic plea:

 

If you’re in a pickle

Don’t fiddle with nickels

Take a tenner from your wallet now

If ya wanna have plenty

Just toss in twenty

And I don’t mean peanuts, pal

Write a big fat check

Go to heaven, not heck

Put your money where your mouth is now

 

See me wear this ring

I’m a child of the King

And the devil can’t get me down

No-o-o-o

And the devil can’t get me down!

 

* * * * *

 

 

Ben’s voice swelled up into a brassy  refrain:

 

When ol’ sluefoot comes a-callin’

To cause commotion within

Get your hooks off my dollars I HOLLER-R-R-R-R

You dirty rotten sack of sin!

 

I’m gonna sing and shout

Cast the devil out

With a mighty cry of victory

Gonna tell the story

To the saints in Glory

How I left a life of poverty

O won't you come and join with me

In the great glad jubilee

 

Plant your blessing seed

Be a child of the King

And the devil won't keep you down

No-o-o-o

And the devil won't keep you down!

 

* * * * *

Ben scratched his head and said:  “Honest Injun, folks, I'm tryin' to stop, but I absolutely swear I’ll shut up after I share just one more secret for successful livin’...

 

A guy in a straw hat and patched overalls moseyed onstage, strumming his banjo at frantic speed as  Ben sang his fastest:

 

If ya wanna be a winner

Don’t be a sinner

Cast your wampum on the waters now

Pass the buckets round

Make a joyful sound

Be a joyful jolly giver now

Bring all your cares to the man upstairs

And he’ll shower you with your fair share

 

See me wear this ring

I’m a child of the King

And the devil can’t get me down

No-o-o-o…

 

Ben whirled on his heel and boomed out  his finale with a blast from his big brass band:

 

And the devil can’t get me dow-ow-ow-own

Down! Dow-ow-ow-own!  YEAH!

 

Some in the crowd grumbled about why Ben would fish for funds when he bragged he was already so rich, but even more people just shrugged and  figured that even if Ben had a few loose screws he was good entertainment and well worth his pay. Ben wasn’t a bad singer, and his nasal  New York street twang  was perfect for the carnie lyrics he sang.  Some said Ben should have been born back in the days of the traveling snake oil circus act.

 

Softly and tenderly Ben whispered, “Well, you aren’t alone in your hour of trial, brothers and sisters,  In fact, our Lord is everywhere.   John the Baptist knew his own dark hour of despair.  He made a lot of enemies, John did.  He went around in a garment of camel’s hair. Today people question John’s sanity because he wore such a rough garment.  But John dressed for success. Camel hair was the Duralast Polyester of his day. And the leather belt John wore complemented his power suit, just like my purple tie does my tailored jacket.  John wore his designer suit with pride, folks.  It symbolized his humble  ministry of helping and caring.  It symbolized his calling.  And I believe that sackcloth garment comforted John’s soul as his enemies harassed him.  It reminded John that he was chosen and hand-picked by God, and his enemies weren’t.  As my love gift to all my friends far and wide, I’d like to send a sample of the camel hair which went into the design of John’s exclusive garment.  And when you receive your “Join John in Victory” Camel Patch, I’d like everyone to follow four steps: First anoint it with oil.  If you don’t have any olive oil, try corn oil or Crisco. Secondly, pray over it, and make the prayer last at least five minutes so it will get prioritized in heaven.  Thirdly, stuff the Anointed Camel Patch  into your pillow case and sleep on it.  And last of all, the very next morning, you need to wrap a special   one-time love gift of 33 dollars around this precious patch.  This amount symbolizes the years John the Baptist walked this earth.  Just try it once, and see if your miracle doesn’t come!

 

* * * * *

 

WANTED: A TRADITIONAL, NO-FEES PUBLISHER FOR THIS VERY FUNNY, YET DEEPLY SPIRITUAL,  BOOK!