Ballad of the Scripture-twistin’ Teacher

 

Once I was dirt poor but I ain’t no more

Satan laid me low, slammed me down on the floor

Then a revelation struck me outa the blue

Blab it and grab it is the new gospel truth.

* * * * *

Chorus

 

I’m  a preacher, a Scripture-twistin’ teacher

Pushin’ prosperity DVD’s

Rollin’ in dough and it’s all tax free

I’m  a preacher, a money-makin’ speaker

And if you poor peasants don’t agree

That’s a sure sign you’re jealous of me!

(Repeat last two lines after final verse)

 

* * * * *

 

Say it and believe it, be a billionaire

Pledge me the moon though the money ain’t there

I get what I confess so that Rolex is mine

A son of the King ain’t the workin’ kind.

 

Heresy hunters like to search for dirt

They ain’t got the foggiest what faith is worth

My preachin’ and my teachin’ pays big dividends

Don’t nit-pickers know envy is  a sin?

 

Give till it hurts so I won’t have to work

All I wanna do is peddle God’s Word

Gittin’ rich for Jesus is the life for me

Sow me a seed so I can receive.

 

Moan and groan and repeat my words

Blessings you’re expecting must be birthed in the earth

You labor in the Lord’s maternity ward

Bless me before your bucks are born.

 

I need a supersonic plane

Gotta fly far to get sinners saved

Give me a ring, save my ministry

Prove God today, send your dough to me.

 

Cover our altar with dollar bills

Don’t hold back or you’ll fry in hell

This recession is no excuse

If you love Jesus turn your money loose!

 

God bless all y’all widders out in TV land

Be faithful to  foller our Blessing Plan

Your cup will be filled if you change your will

Leave us your loot and to heck with your bills.

 

Eat more cat chow, make a vow right now

Consecrate your cash, time to milk my cows

Give us the numbers on your credit card

You peasants won’t regret it, I’m your superstar!