Malachi in the Emergency Room

Go out and work to earn for your church

Salvation’s free, but it sure don’t come cheap

Pay what WE say your soul is worth

Pay ME your tribute to Malachi three.

Bring in your tithe and pay it on time

Give us your best and pledge the rest

You say your bills have gotten sky-high

It’s time to put Malachi to the test.

In Malachi one verse eight it states

You’ve paid an offering that’s sick and lame.

Hear the Lord holler about your sick dollars

Those blind bucks you burn

On the altar in church.

How can a dollar bill be ill

And need a cat scan or a thyroid pill?

Andy Jackson’s lying in traction

Hamilton’s head is sick and lame

Held in place with masking tape.

Blind Ben Franklin needs a laser op

George Washington needs an IV drip

Give Andy Jackson a tetanus shot

Ben Franklin’s got a broken hip

Call in the physiotherapist

Your lame legal tender needs TLC

Your offering is as sick as can be.

In Malachi one verse seven there’s trouble

Polluted offerings on the altar were laid

An offering got dropped in a messy mud puddle

As Jill walked to church up a rainswept hill

And got knocked down by a passing car’s spray

Ben Franklin swam in dirty swill

As swirling rain poured in Jill’s purse

How on earth could things get worse?

Her Ben Franklin can’t go to church polluted

Jill  tries to swap him for a brighter bill

But Mega Mart outright refuses

Ben is a grungy soggy mess

How could such a gift get blessed?

But on the altar a brown Ben must burn

Fueling a church which churns out more hurt.

In Malachi Chapter three verse five

God’s giving the hireling a real good scolding

The hireling’s denying himself his right

To be fed from the Temple storehouse building.

Two verses later God lays into him

Hireling, look how bad you’ve sinned!

That penny you’ve earned ought to be burned

As an offering and a sacrifice

Or eaten by preachers as your weekly tithe.

Every year tithes were gathered ONE time

But now the Lord has changed His mind

Every week is so much better

Out with the old, let’s be a trend-setter

Everyone KNOWS God needs bread in His House

Bread means money and nothing else!

Hirelings hear the great glad news

Pay up right now or you’ll roast in hell

It’s time to pay your weekly dues

Don’t  keep Ben Franklin all to yourself.

The preacher has a love affair

With all those dirty dollars out there

You’ll bring ‘em in so long as you’re scared

There must be an extra job out there.

Even if your gas tanks’s empty

Even if your car’s been repossessed

Even if your kids have zilch to eat

Tithe on YOUR bread, put God to the test

Don’t read Malachi too literally

The preacher reads it and saves you the bother

God used to take cattle and fruit of the tree

But now the good Lord is much more modern.

God would rather have gold than grapes

Not vineyards but an ATM hole in the wall

So let Ben Franklin pay God for grace

Feed U.S. Grant to the jaws of the Law.

Pay your tithe or your soul will DIE!

If you stay here you’ll learn some fear

‘Cause I’ve got a hotline to the lord in the sky

The curse will get worse if you don’t help our church.

The coming of the Lord is near

So give all you can to bless God’s man

I’ll teach you all the laws of finance.

Don’t worry about your bills no more

Secular creditors can’t take it to hell

No curse is worse than being poor

Tithing is God’s key to wealth.

Brother Sam quit tithing to this church

He lied about God’s holy tithe

He said things got worse because of a curse

Not the curse of Malachi

But the curse for coming under Law again

In Galatians chapter three verse ten.

Allegedly things got better for him

After Sam repented of paying his tithe

Sam was able to pay his rent

And even buy a brand new bike.

Sam says he’s got good food

And even brand new shoes

His water’s back on

He’s got a new job

His worries are gone

But Sam still owes our church a lot.

WE taught Sam the way to serve God

Sacrifices and self-denial

Sam failed to be faithful in all his trials

Just think of all the things Sam bought

When he withheld his ten per cent

Sam’s a selfish sinful young man

Sam bought burgers instead of beans

Sam bought toothpaste, oh what a waste!

Sam bought new jeans and a tube of sun screen

Sam even bought a TV Guide

I can’t believe it, I’m scandalized!

Sam kept Ben Franklin and U.S. Grant

He needs to yield them to Jesus again

To the man in the pulpit He represents.

This church needs a steeple to stab the sky

A new sound system to play lullabyes

We need a new car to cruise along

We’ll need a vacation before very long.

If you aren’t willing to deny yourself

You surely will miss out with God

Turn over that tithe or you’ll roast in hell

Give all you’ve got or you’ll get mighty hot

So join with me in the work of this church

And don’t forget to pray for Sam

When you’re paid at work put your church first

Don’t end up in satan’s frying pan.

Children, this message is for you too

Bring George Washington to Sunday School

Frankly, more Franklins would bless the Lord

Kids, I know you guys must get bored

With decent food and new school shoes

Tell your parents to sacrifice tithes

Hand-me-down clothes come in every size.

Don’t forget the Golden Rule

But do forget to pay your bills

Malachi means no winter fuel

Seniors don’t really need their pills

If all you’ve got is a few food stamps

YOUR food can be the tithe of the land.